Easy Peasy Rice Pilaf

I am pathologically incapable of making simple, plain rice on the stovetop. I always burn the bottom or it turns out soupy or something. If I didn't have a rice steamer, I'm pretty sure we'd never have plain rice as a side dish. Why is it so hard for me? It's rice and water and cover it and let it cook for 20 minutes.

I can, however, make a kick-ass pilaf which is better than dumb old plain rice anyway.

a tiny bit less than 1 cup of uncooked rice
1 clove of diced garlic (or some garlic powder)
5 or 6 pieces of dried vermicelli or spaghetti, broken up into bits, the smaller the better (or some orzo if you have it, but I can never find it, even when I really want it)
1 tablespoon of butter (don't use margarine, it doesn't cook the same and it's gross)
about 2 cups of chicken or beef broth (or 2 cups of water plus some boullion)
1 or 2 chopped up green onions

melt the butter over medium heat in a sauce pan. Saute the rice, garlic and pasta until it just barely starts to brown. Add the broth (or water) and bring it to a boil. Reduce the heat to low, cover and cook for 20 minutes.

After 20 minutes, turn off the heat, take off the lid, fluff up the rice, stir in the green onions and serve. Exactly as difficult as rice-a-roni, but with less chemical-y preservative stuff.

(not pictured - it's rice pilaf, it's beige and has little bits of green in it)

Easier-Than-Doing-Dishes Dough

I wish I could say I was joking, but there have been more times than I can count that I have chosen to make homemade pizza for dinner instead of washing dishes. I mean, really, how easy is pizza? A bowl to mix the dough, then a can to cook it and you're done - you can even eat it on paper towels, no silverware, no plates.

1 packet of yeast (for thinner, crispier crust, only use half a packet)
about a tablespoon of honey
a couple tablespoons of olive oil or melted butter (or bacon fat if you have it because... YUM!) 
1 cup of warm water or milk (warm, not hot)
3 - 4 cups of flour (I generally use All Purpose flour, but you can use bread flour. Also, I like to add in about half a cup of whole wheat flour with the mix, but don't try to use all whole wheat flour or the dough will be dense and non-yummy
salt and/or any other spices you might like to add

Mix yeast with about 2 cups of flour and some salt and/or any spices you'd like (maybe a little garlic or onion powder or some dried Italian spices). Stir in water (or milk), olive oil and honey. Add more flour, about a half a cup at a time until the dough is no longer sticky.

Knead the dough on a floured surface until it's smooth and soft. Toss it into an olive oil-coated bowl, cover it with plastic wrap and a kitchen towel and let it rise in a warm place for at least an hour (or stick it in the refrigerator for 8 - 10 hours)

After the dough has risen to about double it's original size, take it out, toss it onto an oiled pizza pan (or cookie sheet), poke it all over with a fork and let it sit for another hour (you can skip this step and top it and bake it right away, but letting it rise again will get it puffier and a bit softer)

After at least an hour, poke it again with forks, top it with whatever you want on your pizza (or cut it up into strips and make breadsticks) and bake it for about 15 minutes or until the cheese is melty and brown and the edges of the dough are golden brown and starting to pull away from the pan.

(not pictured: pizza dough, seriously it's a big white lump, not much to see)

Homemade Plain Yogurt

I know, I know, yogurt is cheap as hell and comes in handy dandy little plastic containers, what's the point of making it from scratch? I don't know, it's surprisingly easy and if you're interested in eating stuff with less ingredients and no preservatives, you might as well give it a shot. Also, you can brag in that sanctimonious manner that people do when they make shit from scratch.

1/2 gallon of milk (might as well go for whole milk, at least on your first try)
1/2 cup of store-bought plain yogurt - any type or brand as long as it has live and active cultures in it (that's the good bacteria that turns it into yogurt)
small packet of gelatin (optional, it helps thicken it if you like it like that)
about a cup of milk powder (optional, it helps thicken it and make it a little creamier)

dump the milk into a SUPER CLEAN crockpot, put on the lid and turn it on low for 2.5 hours.

After 2.5 hours, turn off the crockpot and let the milk sit for about 3 hours.

After 3 hours, spoon a couple of cups of the warm milk into a bowl and whisk in the store-bought yogurt (if you're adding gelatin or milk powder, you can whisk that in at this time). Dump all of this back into the crock pot, stir it up, put on the lid and cover the whole thing with a towel and let it sit for about 8 more hours.

You have now made yogurt, try not to dislocate your shoulder when you are patting yourself on the back.

Yogurt can be used as:

hair conditioner - put a bunch on your dry hair, cover it with a plastic bag, let it sit for about half an hour then rinse it out

face mask - smooth a bunch of it onto your clean face, let it sit for 10 or 20 minutes, then rinse it off

marinade - put some yogurt into a big plastic bag, add in whatever spices you like, toss in a couple of frozen pieces of chicken, seal up the bag and stick it into a bowl of water, by the time the chicken is defrosted, it will be all flavor-y and the lactic acid in the yogurt also works as a tenderizer

Oh, yeah, you can also eat the stuff - if you're into it plain that's cool, but you can also add your favorite flavors like honey, strawberry puree or coconut and sliced almonds. My favorite is the scrapings of a vanilla bean and enough sugar to make it barely sweet.

Also, if you're into that super thick Greek yogurt that all the kids like these days, you can achieve this by straining the yogurt through cheesecloth (please note: this method removes the whey from the yogurt which also reduces the volume of the final product)

(not pictured: yogurt... you've seen yogurt before, you're not going to gain anything by me spending half an hour trying to get the perfect shot of a bowl of the stuff festooned with a bright sprig of mint.)


(Also not pictured: some thoughtful anecdote about yogurt. I made it, I ate it, here's the recipe so you can do the same)